Hmm…

Ohhh shit!

Tryin to be funny

Super cool products always have super funky things written on the packaging.  That’s er…usually the case lah as I came across one today. Yeah!

andd….my freedom awaits me. just one more week.

“When deep injury is done to us,
we never recover until we forgive.
Forgiveness does not change the past,
but it does enlarged the future.”
~ Mary Karen Read

It’s true, although we don’t have any control whatsoever over when we get stuck with them, for how long, why were they chosen and most importantly who are these people.

Not exactly comfortable with the ‘room’ im in at this moment. Maybe it’s just way ‘too cold’, ‘crowded with off target people’ or maybe it’s because in reality, there’s only one person in it – myself. Like i’ve created a room within a room and somehow unintentionally allowed the door to be shut closed, too carried away with silly contentions. Here with my hearing muted, grey vision, without any touch sensation and yet feeling every heartbeat and every possible emotion a human can have. How is this possible? When will all these make sense? When will i get to paint with colours again? We may run away from people, but we can never run away from ourselves.

I may never be smart enough to be a medical doctor or an astronaut but at the same time i have my limits on how simple somethings can be. It’s not helping when time is ticking forward while im walking backwards. The more i lose interest in something and feel like im wasting time on it, i then start to appreciate the other things i enjoy; for example, like my weekends…but the more i treasure it, the more i get protective of it and the more sensitive i get about wasting it away, making me impatient and short fused. Im confused…how is it a big circle that goes round and round.

Simplicity was Einstein’s greatest secret. As simple as it sounds, i can’t seem to ameliorate on the apparent complicated ways on how i think.

I stand up and walk on…tomorrow, another day, another door but hopefully not the same grey room.

Aeroplane!

Back then, I get so distracted and excited at the sound or sight of an aeroplane overhead. Trips to the airport were always filled with excitement, because either i was going on an aeroplane or i was going to see them upclose. I remember always standing up on the benches, waiting for them to take off and wave goodbye. I wouldnt say that i got to fly frequently but throughout the years, i had my fair share family trips and saying goodbye to my relatives. It was never that emotional and sad, maybe because the trips were usually short or maybe because i was still too young for complicated feelings =P And although somewhere along the road i developed mild phobia in flying, i still enjoyed my trips and the sight of an aeroplane still excites me.

However, certain things have changed.

Night of my loongesttt flight

I no longer like airports, whether it’s a holiday i’ll be flying off to, picking someone up or saying goodbye. I don’t get the same feeling i usually get as a kid when i step into an airport anymore and it doesnt matter whether it’s Kuching’s own airport or some other airport im at. Then again, maybe it’s because im not a kid anymore, we get wiser and our emotions start to get complexed…or maybe because i blame the airport, the place that used to be my Never Never Land, for it have brought me so much sadness and pain.

Recently i was at the airport sending someone off and throughout my time there, my heart was at the bottom of my feet…it felt depressing. Depressing walking into the airport, depressing waiting for the check in, depressing to sit and wait, depressing to stand in front of the glass wall seperating the departure hall and airport lobby, depressing walking back to my car and even the journey to the airport is depressing. Dont get me wrong, i dont hate the place…just that it makes me somewhat morose.

Will it be any different in the future? Will i get back the sense of exhilaration and happiness again? Can i be a little boy again? I really don’t think so and certainly it’s not about being stubborn…because good or bad, certain things are carved into your heart and will be there to stay forever. Scars are hard to embrace but people say it’s a sign of victory, well…is it?

Matter of fact is that our lives is no different than a DVD movie with individual chapters in it and just like a DVD player, there’s the play, stop, ffwd, rwd button. Only God has access to the play and stop button for when we are born and when we die, ffwd is out of our reach because we do not have the ability to predict the future. So it leaves us only with rwd and that, we can use.

We often reminisce about the past and whether it brings us laughter or sadness we usually still do it all the same, because it is an amazing thing and it is the core of our existence, what makes us, human. Imagine if we only had short term memory, only able to remember things at an instance, would we still be who we are? I understand now why early stage Alzheimer’s patients prefer to die rather than to live because living with a broken rwd button on the remote, isnt considered living at all, like a soulless flesh manupulated by a ventriloquist. Therefore for the rest of us, we should be thankful that our rwd button is still working. It’s definitely not a curse to be able to look back.

Who would be my 5?

A book i read made me realise that everything we do affects something else and all lives intersect. We always wonder why the good people get assassinated and the bad guys get to live, why bad things always happen to us, because we only look at the surface of the ocean and not what’s beneath it and it’s always possible that a good occurrence may come from a bad incident.

Checkpoint June:

1. Completed industrial training
2. Interviews
3. Got a job
4. Spike
5. Hospitals and clinics
6. Emo
7. Chivas
8. New people
9. Said goodbye

I have to do something.

“Lost love is still love. Life has to end, love doesn’t. Even if it takes a different form.”

So thanks to my lungs, i recently got to pimp my room. Well, not a big overhaul but just enough to freshen things up, my way. I have a tiny room and my parents said i could take over my brother’s room if i wanted to but somehow i prefer staying put. Maybe it’s because i adore the coziness of  a small room or maybe because im used to being in my room ever since moving in like almost 20 years ago and having a lot of memories here.

Anyway, some pictures as promised.

Elephant from Bangkok

My room was so tiny that before this, i could be only at two places in my room, either at my desk or my bed. I always wanted a place for me to sit and relax, so this time i got myself a lazy chair, one that i can stretch my legs out and just do nothing.

Lazy chair for lazy people

Books im reading

The very phone that i used to sit by and wait and even now it’s silent most of the time, it’s still where it should be – near.

Will it ring again?

Matter of fact is that I don’t have that much free time to put my things back and arrange my room because of work and my studies. Therefore, certain things are still not properly placed la.

Untidy toiletries

I also had to change my trusty old mattress because we suspected that i might be allergic to it. Just got my new posture spring bed that’s 8″ thick which is twice as thick as my last one. It’s comfy but it looks all weird being so thick.

'Posture spring' bed

Cheapo shelf

Anyway, because i had limited space, i wouldnt have anywhere to walk if i just add another huge chair into my room. Had to think of something so like they say, if you dont have any space around you, left and right, it’s time to go UP! Now, i sleep on top of where i laze around. Sort of like a double decker bus so i have extra space :)

Double decker

Means i also need something to get to second floor. It’s not the first time i slept on a bunk bed so it’s not too bad. Only thing is getting down in the middle of the night to relieve myself, more mahuan and need to be more careful la.

"Elevator"

Used to have a blue room, hence the blue blinds.

Waking up to...

Still have other plans in order for my room, such as to get oil paintings to hang around the walls or maybe hang many medium size polaroid frame photographs, making it a big photo collage etc. Anybody know where to get reasonable priced oil paintings in kuching please let me know, jangan those that cost more than the stuff in my room put together wan ok :P

Goodnight

The human “heart” is a mysterious element, it can be the source of unlimited happiness or the reason for the deepest sorrow. All of these that have happened, has taken away my heart beat. No one should be blamed except fate and maybe someday we’ll know…if love can move a mountain.

* Direct translation, but might not make direct sense

想跟我吵架 我没那麽无聊
You want to argue with me. Im not that bored.
不懂得道歉 我没那麽聪明
I apologize without understanding. Im not that bright.
好想要回到我们的原点
I desire to go back to where we began.
你又在哭泣 我给不了安慰
You are crying again. I fail to give you comfort.
我又在摇头 有那麽点後悔
Im shaking my head again (disapproving of my actions), thats that much regret.
爱情的发展已难以回头却无法往前走
Loves progression makes it already hard to turn back, but Im unable to move on.
但身不由己出现在胸口 两颗心能塞几个问号
My body still wont leave because of what is currently in my chest. Two hearts can solve many problems.
爱让我们流多少眼泪
How many tears has love made us shed?
你的眼神充满美丽带走我的心跳
Your eyes are brimming with beauty to carry away my heartbeat.
你的温柔如此靠近带走我的心跳
In this way, you draw closer to take away my heartbeat.
逆转时光到一开始 能不能给一秒
Time has turned back to the beginning. Can you give me a moment?
等着哪一天你也想起
Im waiting for the day when you will also remember
那悬在记忆中的美好
The happiness in your memories.

Although the form of a flower has scattered away, its scent still lingers on

There’s no need for apologies…ever

Throwing up. Had special fried beef kueh tiaw with bitter gourd only to end up not feeling that special. Stomach was like a washing machine in operation and ended up vomiting at office. Went to get my first in-house clinic MC, so i had the afternoon off.

MC

Starbucks (*again). No matter how many times i say it’s over priced coffee, i still somehow end up there. It’s not because i am loaded but i guess it’s a nice place to hang out, talk and wash eyes. The drink is just the second banana la. Hmm, banana…speaking of which i had chocolate banana muffin.

Starbucks at The Spring

Silhouette. After Starbucks, with Loi. Kinda emo because one member not around anymore…so heehai to you ‘member’. Anyway, saw one pretty waitress there la :P JD Co*k, James Blunt, Akon, Usher. Oh ya, loi gave a 100% genuine sua teng kah comment regarding the bar stool.

Bo lo...bo liao lo

JD Coke

Sua teng 'Sri Aman' kah on bar stool

Recipe audit. No, not your cooking recipes but recipes that tell machines what or how to do things. I had to check quite a lot of them, in fact hundreds of them. Staring at a monitor for 3 long days is NOT cool. Especially when you need to be meticulous checking all the numbers.

Stared at this for 3 days

Stared at this for 3 days too

Missed call. Was driving home for work after a late one, (*blame the audit) phone on silent, missed the call. Got the message, happy, glad, sad and confused all at once.

Missed

Voice mail

MBA. Went for my first class. Not a big class, about 17, just nice for me. Lecturer is quite good, cool guy, not the old fashion kind that nags at everything, if you know what i mean. Very very interesting to be among the youngest of the class, having all experienced banking, construction, managers, business people around you. Hope to learn from them too :) Only complain was that class duration was a bit too lengthy, 4 hours to be exact.

Excuse the shitty handwriting

Interview. At a data solution company that serves the oil/gas companies. Not a technical job, very relax but need to work on 8 hour shifts. Operates 24/7/365. May not get the job though because of my weekend classes.

Gym. Working my ass off ok.

Cough. Very bad coughing, infected lungs i think. Skipped the morning at work to see a doctor, prescriptions end up costing more than consultation and scope fees. Just slightly better. I think the cough is in love with me, refusing to fck off and i’m getting a little worried why it’s not.

Only part of my meds

Wafer review. Part of what i do at training. I honestly do not mind doing it…that’s if i get a comfortable chair with back support…however, we do not have that luxury in a clean room so i only get to sit on a dwarf ladder. 1 hour/wafer, 7 wafers, you do the math.

Stared at it for 7 hours

One of my best friend. Named Compaq. Stuck with me through thick and thin, rain or shine, laugh or cry (*literally). Assignments, tutorials, reports, slides, programming, presentations, pictures, internet, movie and music. I took care of it well and after 4 years it still looks good as new, works like one too. Unfortunately the battery is long gone, unable to do what it’s supposed to do anymore. Like a three legged dog, it still can hop around but it’s somewhat paralysed. I decided to put it into retirement and to have it stay at home, on a desk.

My Compaq

Circles skin

Better days...

Asus. The new recruit. Not the best, not the fastest or even the biggest…it’s tiny and that’s the way…ah ha ah ha…i like it…ah ha ah ha. Thanks dad! :) Wo ai ni :P

Glossy

Choices. Was offered to extend my internship. I’ve worked so long i don’t think it’s called an internship anymore. I think it’s called ‘push-water’ (in hokkien) job with allowance. Want to move on because i’m a little tired of the fact that i’ll always be a trainee. Don’t want to move on because i do not have any stress being a trainee, also in my comfort zone and sometimes it’s like i get paid to laze around. Haha. Anyway, most probably won’t be extending.

= Money

Hair. It’s slowly turning copper brown and it’s getting long. Im really hoping that i can resist not cutting my hair for now because i want it to be long. I failed so many times before. Colour is still not too bad, not beng or bak kut teh-ish IMO. Can’t imagine what my poor hair went through, from black to blue to ash green to blue to copper. Really loved the blue though.

Looks lighter under yellow tungsten

The call. Thanks. Wished it was me going ;( Feels wrong. Really sucks but do enjoy yourself. Store will be ok. Hope it won’t be like your usual flight, maybe you’ll see snowflakes again.

Wish it was us

…aishiteiru. Take care