It leaves you sitting in your chair after the ending credits have long gone, it leaves you sitting in your chair with your mind wandering, about how the story would have continued, about the feelings of the characters and events that took place. It leaves you sitting in your chair as long and as far as your imagination would take you. It clouds your mind, leaving you in a state of delusion, not able to separate fact from fiction, the real from the fake.

But at the same time, every moment of this figment of your imagination affects you in a very authentic manner. Every single feeling in this realm is brought back into reality, right into your soul.

Maybe it is because some of the events in the script is similar to what you had experienced in your life before, giving you a special connection to this ‘parallel world’. Or maybe it is because you are just another person with a battered heart, someone in an emotionally vulnerable state. On a normal day, you seemed just like every other person on the outside, getting along reasonably well with what life is giving you. But unnoticed inside of you, is an incandescent bulb as your source of emotional stability, waiting for the smallest trigger to break off the fragile tungsten wire.

It is now only a dark black screen in front of you, as you slowly come to terms with all of that has just hit you. The sensational rush of so many different emotions overwhelms you, leaving you at the edge of tears. You try to figure out the real cause of your vulnerability, is it because of the lemons life throws at you? is it because of love? the loneliness? friends? relationships? or is it because you are missing that special unexplainable ‘something’ in life?

Spending more time that you ever expected, you finally dozed off to the exhaustion all these have brought onto you. Just hoping that you wake up the next day recovered although strangely at the same moment, you wished the story would continue in your dreams, the never ending story created by your figment, the one wholly fueled by your emotions.

Tonight, I am that person.

And still in search of that special something.

Empty

• Yesterday i had hope.
• I thought things were about to settle down.
• I had a short-term plan.
• One less thing to worry about.
• Today I am lost.
• I am walking aimlessly.
• Trying to understand what is happening.
• Why are things going the way there are.
• I know partly it is my fault, bringing myself to where I am standing right now.
• But what about the other half, should I blame fate?
• I’m OK from the outside.
• but I’m not on the inside.
• I have a lot to say today, but i cant seem to spit it out.
• Even if i did, it wont change anything.
• Everything will still be the same after i wake up.
• I’m down, I’m negative, and so I’m not a great fan of keeping my faith now.
• Tomorrow is another day.
• Tomorrow I’m still lonely.
• Tomorrow I continue to wander…

What if it really happened?
What would you do?
What if you have no control over it?
What would it be like?
What if it’s the last time you’ll see her face?
How long can you hold on?

It’s been a while since i watch any movie in the romantic genre. Movies are just movies. They are fake and a creation of someone’s imagination. But we humans can never fully separate our imaginations and reality, putting them in two separate boxes. Somehow, reality will find its way,  seeping through into our imaginations and vice versa. That’s why no matter how fake a movie might be, it can bring me back to a moment, a time, a past reality that once pushed me to the edge of my emotions.

I think it’ll be quite sometime before i’ll feel butterflies flying in my stomach again.

I need someone to tell me it’s ok. I don’t want to be alone. I need someone that wont ‘disappear’…because it might not have been something close to time traveling but there was a time once where i actually asked all of those questions…

Some people like the rain, some people dont. While the rain usually gives us a sense of cleansing and rejuvenation, it may also bring inconvenience and sadness because it’s as if heaven is crying.

It’s weird how the weather recently has been a mirror of my feelings, just like seeing your own reflection on a puddle of water. It’s not because i feel sad when it rains but it pours when im down. Coincidence maybe?

Anyway, it’s been raining a lot recently.

Congrats. Glad that you shared the news of such a big milestone of yours. Im happy for you but it also rained on my way home today.

…exactly 7 years ago today, we made our decision. Against all logical thinking and the knowledge we had about what was in store for us if we went ahead with it. Back then, i might still be a teenager and somewhat naive but oh boy was I determine, determined that nothing could stop us.

Back then...

You know when we were little kids, we had a lot in common and there were the usual few things that we all liked and those that we all hated. Like how little girls were usually interested in dolls, playhouses and pretty things, boys on the other hand were always excited about their favorite superhero toy figurines and toy cars. The boys hated the girls and normally the girls feel the same about the boys too. Although that usually changes when we get older and when our hormones start telling us the opposite (of course with an exception to a few who end up falling for the same kind). Anyway, there’s one thing i can think of that im sure all of us liked when were kids, aeroplanes.

Aeroplane!

Back then, I get so distracted and excited at the sound or sight of an aeroplane overhead. Trips to the airport were always filled with excitement, because either i was going on an aeroplane or i was going to see them upclose. I remember always standing up on the benches, waiting for them to take off and wave goodbye. I wouldnt say that i got to fly frequently but throughout the years, i had my fair share family trips and saying goodbye to my relatives. It was never that emotional and sad, maybe because the trips were usually short or maybe because i was still too young for complicated feelings =P And although somewhere along the road i developed mild phobia in flying, i still enjoyed my trips and the sight of an aeroplane still excites me.

However, certain things have changed.

…and love is never logical. Sitting around looking at things that i know i shouldn’t be looking at, not allowing myself to do what i want to do because i’m trying to be an understanding person. There is a selfish side of me also that want the things that i really adore, and this makes it harder.  I have my sad days too and sometimes, no matter how much talking and trying to getting distracted, trying to make myself believe that it helps but in reality, it never does and at the end of the day, i feel all alone because i can’t have what i want. I guess, we are all weak to our emotions.

Me, myself & I

I was at the Sarawak Rock Party 2009 last Sunday supporting my long time buddy Ah Wai and his band Visualies. It was my first time attending such an event and it was interesting to see our local talents in action. To be honest, all of the performance were quite good although there were some that didn’t suit my taste. Met some of my friends there too, including my ex tuition mate who’s a singer now and brada Louis.

Sarawak Rock Party 2009

After that Gary, Shane and I dropped by Silhouette for drinks. It was a Sunday night so we had the whole place to ourselves. Was supposed to be just one drink but it sort of turn crazy and we ended up with liquor + beers + two big bowls of peanuts. The surprise txt at that moment also gave me a reason to drink more as i was getting more emo by the minute. I was really depressed then. (*actually even now)

Where else?

Good thing i wasn’t driving but still i ended up throwing up in front of The Spring’s carpark, by the road at Jln Ahmad Zaid Adruce and at home in the bathroom. All my Baileys and Heineken, down the drain. Thinking of it now, I guess it wasn’t a good idea at all because my poor tummy was still recovering. Feel like an idiot :( Also, thanks to the cb peanuts, i have oral ulcers.

Sorry to the cleaners at The Spring, didnt meant to.

My cough is still around and it’s making certain things like sleeping and exercising real difficult. It’s hard to breathe with so much fluid around. I dont want to get asthmatic.

…but will God fix us?

maybe He will, maybe He already has, or maybe…

Do you find pleasure in other people’s misery?

Misery

Life gets hard sometimes…we face obstacles all the time, and we fall. It’s not about not facing reality. It’s not about not waking up. It’s not about whether there’s anything we can do to make things different/better or not…

but we fall because we are humans. Truth is…under all these intelligences we have that allow us to understand or give sense to a situation, we are controlled by our emotions. So at times, emotions take over and when they do, no matter how smart we are, we give in.

It’s ok…because quoting five for fighting, “even heroes have the right to bleed”.

…it’s not funny. maybe you’ll find out someday.