That Saturday

…exactly 7 years ago today, we made our decision. Against all logical thinking and the knowledge we had about what was in store for us if we went ahead with it. Back then, i might still be a teenager and somewhat naive but oh boy was I determine, determined that nothing could stop us.

I remembered the first time you left. I got so sad that i lost all my feelings, i couldn’t function, i was empty and in fact, i felt like i was going to die. I cried, hoping that it would help wash away the sadness. We always thought that it’ll only get easier but we were so wrong. Having the cycle of you leaving and then seeing you again when we meet was like a stab in the heart by a jagged knife, in and out, repeating itself over and over again.

I recall how much i wanted to hear your voice until at one point i exhausted all avenues trying to communicate with you. MSN, Yahoo Msger, Skype, Public phone, so many different calling cards, all the credits in my phone, aerogram, letters, cards etc. It was insane thinking about you all the time. People thought we were crazy, people thought it wasn’t worth it.

However, the joy when i see you, the sense of blessing i had for having you, the moments we spent together and the memories we made overshadowed all the sadness and pain. My world was wonderful knowing you would always be there, and it was perfect when you were by my side. Nothing else mattered, i was on top of the world.

As time passed, our relationship could only get so much better – we understood each other better, we appreciated each other more, we made more memories together, sketched our beautiful dreams just the way we wanted it to be. Unfortunately at the same time, the circumstances surrounding our future were getting more complicated and undecided. It was getting harder to see our path ahead, the light at the end of the tunnel was getting darker.

Although we still had the determination and the unbreakable bond that made it so hard to let go, we knew we were trapped with no other ways out. We knew what was happening but we preferred to always choose the “short cut” – ignorance, one that would never answer our question of what were we gonna do.

In the end, even though we had our own plans and dreams but God had his. We might never know what it is or where it would bring us but i hope we’ll end up ok, free and able to look back and finally smile. It’s nothing bad and im sure i have no regrets at all, it’s just that, i miss you…i still do.

However hard it is to do, recent events have shown me that i should give you  your space. Im trying to do the right thing and i hope im not wrong. Your name might never flash on my phone anymore, the postman might not deliver any letters from you anymore and the string of the tin can telephone might not be taut anymore with one person missing but no matter how many years from now, no matter what happens, i will always love you…just like how i promised you today, 7 years ago.

Thank you for everything.

Always here, with love…

Someday we’ll know, if love can move a mountain, someday we’ll know, why the sky is blue, someday we’ll know, why i wasn’t meant for you.